I'm kind of sad tonight for a number of reasons. Mom is gone. I came home but she's in Radium this weekend which really sucks. She left me wine and baileys and my favourite peanut butter squares thought just to make sure I knew she loves me.
Last night they retired BB's jersey in Medicine Hat. Their program has never retired a jersey before. It is just incredible to think about how many lives he truly touched.
Tonight I was lit up my the monsters. When I got home, JJ was so cute. He was all smiles and I picked him up and gave him the biggest hug. When I went to go to the bathroom I put him down and turned around to walk away and he started freaking out because he thought I was leaving. It honestly melted my heart.
When I went and saw S and W, they were watching Monsters University (great flick I might add) and S jumped into my arms and just like was so excited. W was cuddling his dad and he jumped off him and ran over to me. They both just sat in my chair with me and wanted to cuddle. S asked me to "sleep in her top bunk bed".
I wanted to go out tonight. I didn't want to drink but I really wanted to go out. I couldn't even tell you the last time I went to Billy's. I just wanted to see people you know. I sometimes long for the person I used to be. I was just sad because I don't really feel like most of my friends from here care at all if I even exist. I know that's dramatic and I chose this and I am so grateful for my leth friends. I haven't really put much of an effort towards people from rd especially in the last year or so but I just feel above it.
Tonight I went with ZG to a house party at TE's and it was just honestly so ridiculous. They went to Lotus and it was just everything that I'm not. Their conversations were actually painful to listen to. I didn't even know it was possible to be that annoying. I was just taken aback. I don't honestly think I was ever that stupid or that annoying, even when drunk. I wanted to punch every person there basically. I know I've done some super dumb and super annoying shit but that was just a whole new level.
I just feel out of place here now. If it weren't for my family, I really don't know when I'd ever come back here. I had to leave that house so I just got in my car, got a hot chocolate and drove. Tears were streaming down my face because the place that is supposed to be my home isn't. The person that I was here doesn't exist anymore. The people I used to spend my time with are still doing the exact same things they were doing 2, 4, and 6 years ago. I'm just not a part of it. And I was really sad tonight because I felt lonely and excluded but I don't really know if I want to fit in here. I've never fit in here. I used to do a pretty good job pretending I did but this place just sucks the life out of you. You fall in to this habit of complacency. I don't ever want that.
I'm just really sad tonight.
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