You know, what makes it even harder is that I was the one that told number twelve. Me. I haven't really had a real conversation with him in 6 months and I had to tell him that the kid who was practically his little brother killed himself. He doesn't have facebook and nobody told him.
He had no idea. He was surprised. I called him and my heart shattered when I heart his voice. The knife that was already inside of me twisted, repeatedly. But damn do I miss that voice.
Afterwards, we texted for a bit and what kills me the most is that while I'm trying to be supportive for him and the E family, he tells me he's here for me too. I didn't know what to say. When I'm supposed to be strong for him, he's being strong for me, like usual. He knows that this would hit me hard and I just don't know how to deal with this. I'd give anything to have stopped yesterday in Calgary. And you know, it's so ironic because I was going to. I knew it was a bad idea, but I wanted to so badly. And now, I wish I had. I was trying so hard to be strong, to step forward. But I'm not stepping forward, I am crawling forward on my hands and knees barely moving at all.
No comments:
Post a Comment