contradiction.

i know how contradictory my last post and title are so here is my attempt at an explanation. i have been in love once in my life and it was the worst and best thing i've ever encountered. i have never cared so much about another person and i'd be lying if i said i don't still care. in reference to the 'trying not to get caught up', i'm trying not to get caught up in how much i loved him and how much i miss our friendship. it has hit me so hard lately and i am thinking about it way to much. but i really hate not knowing how he's doing, what's new in his life, and just if he still cares. i just hate the uncertainty. it's just so hard to actually face the fact he isn't in my life and i can't take back my decision. i don't know, maybe i'm crazy but i just miss the way it used to be sometimes. i'd give anything to feel like that again.