Line after line, you're there again.

I've done everything to move on like I'm supposed to, but I still miss you. 

Nice to hear from someone else.

I remember at Mox one day I overheard JD and SE talking. JD had just moved back from calg and he was like soo what's the situation like in the dining room girls wise it looks pretty disappointing at this point. And they were like yeah there's not really anyone good looking in the dining room, especially no one new except B. And JD was like ya ti noticed that too. And I was like what are you guys talking about I heard my name. As they're like don't worry about it. 

Granted at the time there were a lot of larger, older girls working there and really no one special that was new. I was honestly so taken aback because I don't see myself that way. And I think that's why tinder is so good for me because the other day I had a guy say to me you are so incredibly beautiful. And I know, it's a hook up app I'm not expecting to get married here but it's so nice to hear that. That's something number twelve and I would argue about sometimes beside I would always be like why are you so sexy. And he's like I'm not. And I was like but you are. And he's like you don't even see it do you, your own beauty. And honestly I didn't. And I'm not like oh I'm the ugliest person ever but I'm also not like BM who knows she is model-worthy gorgeous and always had been. 

I am beautiful.

Sometimes we have to remember that we're beautiful. I'm beautiful. You are beautiful. We are all beautiful. It is cliché but it is one of those things. We all have beautiful things about us. It's okay to think that you are beautiful. We should remember it more of the time and believe that we are all beautiful. The world would be so much better of a place if we looked for beauty before flaws. 

And I get it because I am entirely the type of person to be critical all the time. I am critical of myself more than anyone else. I have a poor body image that I'm working immensely on. And sometimes when people are like you're a bitch, B; you're so judgemental of others. I someone's want to just say yes I am, now times the meanest (most honest) thing I've ever said about another person by 1000 because that's the way I judge myself. I think that in 2014 that will be one of my most important "resolutions". To love myself more, to consciously practice self love. And in turn I will try to love other more and criticize them and myself less. 

ahhh fall asleep.

I'm so tired but I cannot sleep. What is wrong with me?

Tender.

Last weekend when we went to calg, B and T had a major fight. Like we're talking serious domestic thought the relationship was over kind of fight. And I was so worried for both of them. B is my sister and I would always take her side but I have grown to love T as a big brother too and I know they love each other. In the morning T and I were joking around and he said something and I was like I haaaaate you and he responds "I love you" but in a quiet voice. And I tuned around to look at him and I was like did you just say what I think you said? And he's like yep. And I'm like aw that was tender. It was just one of those moments because he's a big guy like 250lbs 6'3" huge muscles and tattooed up. And he doesn't have cne moments like that very often. For a significant part of the first year and a bit of their relationship he was severely depressed. He was miserable and would never come to family things with B and just sat home all the time. Now he's more involved in the family and I'm happy it was the depression that was disconnected and not him. 

Remember it at it's best.

It probably sounds silly and seems ridiculous but I'm okay with it. Today I bought these boxers and I thought of him when I did. And I'm probably going to think of him every single time I wear them. I'm okay with it though. Almost this exact pair of boxers were one of the first things of his that he let me borrow. And even after we broke up I had that pair for a very long time. This week has been hard because I'm geographically closer to him than I have been in months but I feel more disconnected than ever. Sometimes we need a change of perspective and that quote did that for me. It's okay for us to be broken now because I know how great we used to be. I have to stop trying to fix us though because we're broken. We've been broken for a very long time. These boxers are like a symbol for me. They help me remember when we weren't broken; when we were beautiful. And maybe that's the way I need to think about us. We were beautiful when we were whole and it was wonderful.  But we're broken now and that's okay because I will never forget how bright we used to shine together. We broke, our light went out and now we are a love buried deep in our souls and a memory buried deep in a sacred space in our hearts.

We are forever broken.

"I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken-- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I live." 

-Margaret Mitchell 

Happy New Year?

I can't post any resolutions type stuff because I'm not really sure what I want to resolve. I don't know what I want yet.

I think love ruins everyone.

"Maybe.. You'll fall in love with me all over again." 

"Hell," I said, "I love you enough now. What do you want to do? Ruin me?" 

"Yes. I want to ruin you."

"Good," I said, "that's what I want too." 

-Ernest Hemingway 

So much for being fearless.

I have been thinking about BH so much it's actually kind of pathetic. I barely even know him at all. We've never had a full blown conversation. It seems ridiculous, I know. But every time I think about him I get butterflies. When I see him I get butterflies. When he speaks to me, I'm speechless. He just is e an attractive person and not just in the sense he's good looking. He just has one of those silly and fun personalities that draws you to him. He looks genuinely happy all the time. 

You know how you just connect with some people? You just meet some people and know you're going to get along. That's how I feel when I speak to him. I feel like we would just get along well. He is the type of person I need in my life to calm me down and reduce my overly-analytical brain to just having fun sometimes. Everyone told me just to go for it but I can't because I don't work like that. I'm afraid.

I know how silly this sounds because I'm basically building a relationship for the two of us in my head. I'm crazy, I know. I've just kind of always been like this. When I know I want something like this I just know. I cannot explain it or put it into words. I simply feel how I feel. 

He made me forget about number twelve the way number twelve made me forget about sunshine. And that's a bad way to go from boy to boy and I know that. But my heart and my head feel differently. My heart holds onto boys even when they're not in my life. 

It is imperative that I find a new man. I need to move on. I know I do and I want to. And I partially thought that I had. Emotionally, MV was a lifesaver. He's basically been my wife the last 4 months and it was easy to not think about number twelve because I was with him all the time and we did stuff together all the time. We talked all the time when we weren't together.  He's safe. He's safe because there's a love in friendship but no feelings of attraction there. It was easy because it was a cop out. Now I'm gone. Now I don't know what to do. 

Comig home I had to face my feelings about number twelve. They're still there, I just buried them deep down into a part of me I didn't have to think about. But they're surfaced, they're here. Now what? 

Fear will destroy you.

My sister said to me, "you're not really open to a new relationship though and until you open yourself up to one it won't happen".  She has a point. I want to be open to new boys. I'm trying to be open to a new relationship but I'm scared. Terrified actually. She said "ya but you can't be scared. Being scared affects a lot". And she's right it does affect a lot. I just don't want to feel like that again. I was so broken and sad for so long and I never want to feel that way again. I know I shouldn't be scared I just don't really know what to do. I don't know how to move past the fear. 

Tinder.

Tinder is actually a ridiculous app but I can't lie, I love the attention. I love when it says I have a match especially immediately  after I like someone else. It is a shallow self confidence booster. 

Absolutely pathetic.

I'm sitting here another night, wishing I had someone next to me. 

This is how I feel today.

The three of you should be ashamed. You can never take it back.

JS and JS were both at post time tonight. It's really difficult for me to see them. I really hate it actually because I just want to ask them what makes them justify not attending their own father's funeral. I was there and my dad was there and I think I only met him once or twice. I knew what it meant to ME, her mom and her grandmother to be there so of course I went. I just remember being so taken aback because I cannot comprehend anything that could happen in my life where I wouldn't have the integrity and morals period to attend one of my parent's funerals. I mean I get things go wrong and people make choices and I don't honestly know the whole story. What I do know is that it's bad enough you're not in his life period when you know he's sick enough to die and his illness is terminal; it's disgusting to me that you couldn't even attend his funeral. It's embarrassing that you don't have enough courage to do the right thing. It really doesn't matter what happened before, what matters now is that you can never take it back. You can never fix it. You could've ended it on respectful terms but you couldn't even show up. It makes me sick. Especially knowing how S and M treated you. It breaks my heart.

DK.

Tonight when I first approached DK he was kind of standoffish. At least, it seemed like that to me. S was there and I don't know what that sitch is and maybe he was like jealous or being immature or something. But it was weird because when I was leaving I went to say goodbye to him. And when I did, he gave me another hug and he was like bye, I love you B. And I was kind of like pardon. And he's like I love you. And I was just kind of surprised because I barely ever see him anymore and I think sometimes he realizes that I'm the type of person he wants to have more of in his life. I think he so badly wants to grow up but he's torn because his friends aren't there yet. And he, with them are all so good at being immature little assholes that party too hard. I hope he finds what he's looking for soon.

I need a nice boy.

I'd just like to say that I think CN is like one of the sexiest people I've ever met in my life. Like he is a beautiful man. I always notice him. I was actually blown away a bit that he approached me to talk tonight. He's such a nice guy. I don't know what he's up to in life other than he lives in Kelowna but he's beautiful and he gave me like 3 hugs tonight and he's a really nice guy.

I feel sooo much better.

ahhhhh I love the gym so much.

Scared of what it might cost to take it down for someone else.

I know it seems silly and immature and whatever but a piece of me is pretty sad he never said Merry Christmas. I know, I asked for this. I wanted it. I never said it to him. I suppose a piece of me just hoped that he would reach out this time. This is the first Christmas in years that we haven't spoken. Even on the worst days, we still said Merry Christmas.
I drove by his house on my way home tonight. It's difficult for me because I know Christmas is here for them this year. I know that he's home and probably not for very long. I'm selfish because I want him to be thinking about me. I want him to fight for me. And he didn't. He is doing nothing to be with me. And I deserve more than that.
I always think of him. I think about how his school is and how his family is and how his life is. I wonder if he's happy, if he likes school, if he's made good friends. I want to know him still. I know that I can't. I know it. I can logically think about all the reasons why I cannot reach out for him. My completely irrational heart doesn't understand. My heart is saying you're always going to love him. My head is trying to tell my heart that it has to step in because  my hurt keeps getting broken. Over and over and it hurts my whole body; it has to stop.
Before I came home, I was nervous. I didn't know what I wanted. I was terrified to run into him because I didn't know how I would react. I didn't know if I would be happy to see him knowing how hard it'd be on my heart. I didn't know if I would be angry to think about how little he fought. I didn't know if I wanted to casually run into him or if I wanted him to call. I just didn't know what I wanted.
And now I don't know what I wanted really or what I want, but I know that I'm a little sad he didn't say Merry Christmas. I'm a little sad that Christmas is over and the chance is gone.

You say you've hid your heart up on a shelf.

I just want to meet a nice boy. I saw KH tonight and I should've pursued that when I had the chance. I mean my reasons for not were valid. On top of the whole number twelve mess and not being ready for a relationship, he wants to settle down and get married and have kids. And I'm not really there just yet, and I especially was not there a year ago. I want to settle down with a boy though. My life is about to change drastically and it'd be nice to meet someone who is willing to live a similar lifestyle because I'm not going to be going out partying all the time anymore or drinking on Sundays. I have to grow up and be an adult.
KH is a very nice boy. He's the type of boy you marry. To this day, he still calls me dear every time he sees me. He came and gave me a big hug when he got there tonight and before he left. He's polite and kind and responsible but he is also fun and sometimes irresponsible and full of chirps.
He's found a nice girl. I met her tonight and I already like her. She is social and full of comments and just seems good for him. He looks so incredibly happy when he looks at her. And I am so happy for him because he has wanted this for a long time.
None of that changes the fact that I want to meet a nice boy. I have always been under the impression that you'll find the right person when you stop looking. I'm not looking per se but I'm not opposed to men anymore either. For a very long time I kept my heart locked away. I wasn't ready to deal with everything with number twelve let alone any other boy at that point. I'm ready now, I think. I want to experience life with a different man. I want to see if my love for number twelve is as real as I think it is or if I was just young and naive.