I know it seems silly and immature and whatever but a piece of me is pretty sad he never said Merry Christmas. I know, I asked for this. I wanted it. I never said it to him. I suppose a piece of me just hoped that he would reach out this time. This is the first Christmas in years that we haven't spoken. Even on the worst days, we still said Merry Christmas.
I drove by his house on my way home tonight. It's difficult for me because I know Christmas is here for them this year. I know that he's home and probably not for very long. I'm selfish because I want him to be thinking about me. I want him to fight for me. And he didn't. He is doing nothing to be with me. And I deserve more than that.
I always think of him. I think about how his school is and how his family is and how his life is. I wonder if he's happy, if he likes school, if he's made good friends. I want to know him still. I know that I can't. I know it. I can logically think about all the reasons why I cannot reach out for him. My completely irrational heart doesn't understand. My heart is saying you're always going to love him. My head is trying to tell my heart that it has to step in because my hurt keeps getting broken. Over and over and it hurts my whole body; it has to stop.
Before I came home, I was nervous. I didn't know what I wanted. I was terrified to run into him because I didn't know how I would react. I didn't know if I would be happy to see him knowing how hard it'd be on my heart. I didn't know if I would be angry to think about how little he fought. I didn't know if I wanted to casually run into him or if I wanted him to call. I just didn't know what I wanted.
And now I don't know what I wanted really or what I want, but I know that I'm a little sad he didn't say Merry Christmas. I'm a little sad that Christmas is over and the chance is gone.
No comments:
Post a Comment