something to think about.

I've been having the most fucked up dreams lately. The other night I had a dream about sofaking. I dreamt that KH was dating him and somewhere we saw each other and he started talking to me. First, I find it hilarious because KH would never ever date him hahahah. But it was so weird because he started speaking to me and I was quite unsure of how to respond. He said he wanted to talk later about everything and he handled it poorly. Then KH started fucking loosing it on me. And she was dropping every name in the book and telling me that I couldn't possibly do this again.
I told her I wasn't doing anything I was just trying to resolve some issues that had been long held in the quietest place of my head and heart. Which is true, if I'm perfectly honest, I would love to have a conversation with sofaking to just understand how things happened and why. I know it's unrealistic but I think that even though it doesn't always upset me, it's something I will never forget.

The next dream I had was really awful though. That is the one that stuck with me. I dreamt that some guy was shooting me in the face with a gun. As he pulled the trigger, I opened my eyes.

Last night I dreamt again about some guy chasing me with a gun. It was so scary because he was trying to kill me and I don't know why. I don't really understand what this means. I just googled what it means when you have a gun in your dream. These are the two responses:
1) you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You feel victimized in a situation or that you are being targeted. 
2)To dream that you are shot or being shot at represents a form of self-punishment that you may be subconsciously imposing on yourself. You may have done something that you are ashamed of or are not proud of. If you are shot and come back as a different person, then it indicates that  you need to start fresh. You want to wipe the past away and literally become a new person.

This is what it means to be killed, or try to be killed: 
1) To dream that you have been killed suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions and conscience. The dream refers to drastic changes that you are trying to make. There is a characteristic that you want to get rid of or a habit that you want to end within yourself. Killing represents the killing off of the old parts and old habits. Alternatively, the dream represents feelings of being let down or betrayed by someone in your waking life. You are feeling overwhelmed, shocked and disappointed.
2) To see a killer in your dream suggests that an essential aspect of your emotions have been cut off. You feel that you are losing your identity and your individuality. Alternatively, this dream may represent purification and the healing process. You are standing up for yourself and putting a dramatic end to something
3)To dream that you are murdered suggests that some important and significant relationship has been severed. You are trying to disconnect yourself from your emotions. The dream may also be about your unused talents. 

Never forget

Life is hard sometimes.

This is one convo I needed to see

She gets her happy ending.

I always loved Carrie Bradshaw. 

Story of my life.

Change.

Today I did it. I finally grew the balls to email the girl from England and find out my options for next year. 

Hating you is the most exhausting thing I've ever had to do.

I needed to hear that from PL last night so embarrassingly badly. It's pathetic I know but I just have never been the girl guys like. And I needed to hear that someone else. I needed to know that there can be someone else. At the same time it made me realize how damaged I am. How heartbroken I am. I don't see myself that way and the possibility of a relationship is just not even fathomable. The possibility of another boy is unfathomable. I just love that boy and I've loved him for so long I can't even comprehend it anymore. It is immeasurable, indescribable, it simply is one of those things that cannot be explained. 

Silly boy.

I really wish that I didn't miss him the way that I do.

Last First Studio

Last night was crazy. I am honestly so taken aback. I'm very glad I decided to stay sober though, it saved some regrets and made for an entertaining evening.
RD was there, aka mattress boy. He was so unbelievably wasted like falling over wasted. And he gave me a big hug and kept pulling me closer to him. Even sober, I probably would have taken him home but I was relatively certain he was still in a relationship. I of course, asked TK and she's like yes they are definitely in a relationship he is off limits. I was fine with that. I think he is almost undatable. He is the type of boy you want to able to call when you need to bang but he is not the boy you want to be in any sort of relationship with.

Earlier, PL came and gave me a hug, then he tried to kiss me and I was like haha weird he must be wastey pants. So I was like TK, P just tried to kiss me. And she, also intoxicated was like yeah probably because he's in love with you. And I'm like whaaaat. And she's like yes he thinks you are like the most gorgeous girl in the whole world and wants to do terrible things to you. And I was just like uhhh. I honestly thought she was kidding.
Later in the evening, he found me again and actually told me all of these things. He told me for probably 15 minutes that he thought I was beautiful and blah blah blah and eventually asked me on a date.
I was speechless. He isn't my type, he is honestly a sweet guy most of the time but for me my issue is that I'm not ready. I wish that I was but hearing that just solidified that I'm not ready for another relationship. I still have lots of growing and healing to do on my own.

THEN TK started bawling on the way home and I'm like wtf is wrong. She was upset because MH(aka one of the best looking boys in history that I've ever met) was uninterested in her when she made an effort. And I love TK and I think she's a beautiful girl but she's just not his type and I tried to explain that to her but it didn't really sink in until later after she was home. She said she's better today and I really hope so!

First studio.

Tomorrow remind me to tell you about all the crazy shit that happened tonight... Like TK's former roommate confessing his love for me and RD hitting on me while he has a girlfriend and TK bawling about MH not being interested in her. 

Oh, almost forgot JD asking me to do MDMA on the weekend. 

Just be grateful.

I find it kind of weird the way our world is now. I find boys I'm friends with who are nice and treat me well and all of a sudden nice turns into an "is he hitting on me". It's sad because I'm so used to asshole makes that I cannot even comprehend guys that are just good nice supportive friends. 

What the fack?!!

That awkward moment when you realize someone you hooked up with now has a child. 

Pathetic.

Dear self, 

Quit being so girly, it's embarrassing. 

Sincerely, 

Love isn't enough. 

Believe in yourself.

I guess sometimes you just have to trust that who you are is enough. 

Sometimes we need it.

I had a major emotional breakdown tonight. Like it was pathetic and embarrassing and I cried for like two and a half hours. 

Tonight I want to cry.

I've just drunk enough to let go of my pain, to hell with my pride, let it fall like rain from my eyes; tonight I wanna cry. 

Breakdown.

Sometimes I just get tired of being the one who's always put together. 

Fearless.

“@disneywords: Belle loved a beast, Jasmine married a thief, Ariel walked on land for love, because love means facing your biggest fears.” 

Love this. 

Clauddaugh.

I've been told so much about my ring. I may not be in a relationship but I have to wear my ring this way because my heart belongs to someone so it's unavailable to give away.