I'm grateful for good friends.

Been there, done that.

Dear S,
If anything bad ever happens to me and you see this, please give number twelve access to it. I think it's important for him to know just how much I loved him.
Thanks,
B.

See how my life and music has changed since March 2012.

My iTunes sucks now because it's so new so this should be interesting. 
Here's a quiz type thing I found from another girl who's blog I follow. Basically you hit shuffle and for each song that comes up, you answer these questions in order.
If my life was a movie, this would be the soundtrack:

Opening Credits
How to Save a Life- The Fray

Waking Up
Cruise- Florida Georgia Line

First Day Of School
Red- Taylor Swift

Falling In Love
The A Team- Ed Sheeran

Losing Your Virginity
Can't Fight the Moonlight- Leann Rimes hahahahahahahahaha
Breaking Up
Sad Beautiful Tragic- Taylor Swift

Prom
Sorry on the Rocks- Kelleigh Banen

Deep Thought
New Favourite Memory- Brad Paisley

Mental Breakdown
Over- Blake Shelton

Driving
Stronger than Me- Connie Britton

Flashback
Do You Think About Me- Carrie Underwood

Getting Back Together
Just a Dream- Carrie Underwood

Wedding
Camouflage- Brad Paisley

Birth Of First Child
I Believe I can Fly- R. Kelly bahahahahahaha

Learning Life Lesson
Temporary Home- Carrie Underwood

Final Battle
Cry With You- Hunter Hayes

Death
Mine- Taylor Swift

Funeral 
Everything Has Changed- Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran

End Credits
Been There, Done That- Luke Bryan

Carrie Bradshaw.

She was a smart girl, until she fell in love. 

You.

You were my best friend, my best friend that I told everything to. And then you were just gone. 

relative.

"No matter how clear you think your perspective on life is- the person next to you has a different one. Because.. everything is relative."
- Dan Goldberg

I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye.

I hope you know that every time I don't, 

I almost do. 

On another note.

Oh, also, my roommate is a nympho.

I can't escape you no matter where I go.

I kind of want to get facebook back but I know it's a bad idea. I need number twelve to not know what's going on in my life right now. It's hard because I miss him every single day. I don't know how to explain that though. People are always trying to hook me up with boys and I'm just not ready. I just am not ready for another relationship. I don't even have my heart back from the last boy, let's ease up on trying to give it to someone else.
Tomorrow I'm going hiking with his sister which should be interesting. I suppose I'm just not really sure what to think right now. I think it's nice we're going to go hiking but I'm not sure what I think about the whole situation. I still haven't responded to him after that stupid text message but I don't really know what to say. I don't know where my heart is at or my head for that matter. I have known that he's leaving for two years for so long. I have known he wanted to move away and I have known that it will probably be the best thing for us. However, that doesn't make him leaving any easier.
I drove by his house when I was home the other day. It's so difficult for me to be in RD because I always just want to see him. It's hard to be in Lethvegas and Calgary because we did so many things in those places. Everywhere I go is a memory. Even work is one of the first places he took me out for dinner. I just can't escape him no matter where I am.

cue rant.

I should be writing my paper but this has been bothering me all day so I have to vent it. The other day NC called me aka number twelve's sister to see if I had time to come for a 3 hour drive to the USA with her. I mentioned it to DVZ this morning and she's like yeah we actually talked about you last weekend when I played ball with her. She thinks you're a really sweet girl and that her brother is an idiot who just fucks with your head.
I was like pardon fucking me. Why do you talk to her about me? I didn't say that but it frustrates me because NC has told me before that her mom and her have discussed that I am too good for their son. That's a pretty bold statement in my opinion. Even if my parents thought that I don't think they would ever vocalize that to anyone about me.

always love, hate will get you every time.

I feel like I should cry or be upset or something. When I first got it, my heart hurt and I don't mean metaphorically. I mean my chest contracted and I felt like I was having a heart attack. And now I just don't know what to feel. I don't know how to feel. Where am I supposed to put this? After five years what do I do with it.
I can't even construct a reply to him. I wouldn't even know what to say.
There's a part of me that wishes to say this, "there will come a time in your life when you realize that you made a mistake. You will realize that there are more important things than money. You will realize that you made a mistake when you chose money over our relationship. On that day, I will still be loving you. On that day, you will still possess the truest part of my heart and soul. But on that day, I may not be available for you. And on that day, you might realize it's too late. But on that day you must follow your heart. I hope that that day comes before it's too late. But if it doesn't, always remember that I forgive you. I forgive you for all the hurt. I'm not mad at you for choosing money over me. It hurt me, but I understand it. I forgive you for following your head instead of your heart. And I forgive you for breaking my heart and taking my soul. I forgive you for being selfish, in fact I wish I was that selfish. Always remember that I love you and I forgive you.

7:59 pm text message, 6 weeks and 5 days later.

"Hello and sorry for taking so long for this to send. I went to the Yukon shortly after we hung out and of course terrible too no phone or internet service. It's  true money always comes before relationships with me and you deserve better than that. You deserve much better than that; me, for example, I'm here all summer then states for next two years, that's not fair. Keep in touch always, 12. "

Where am I supposed to put this?

I'm kind of speechless. I just don't really know how to respond to a message like that.

Integrity.

On Friday I went to pick up my reference letter from my last practicum. It's pretty much the nicest things anyone's ever said about me. He mentioned integrity multiple times. Specifically, one line says B is a person of great character and identity. 

This letter means so much to me I cannot even explain it. Integrity is the most importnt thing in the world for me. Integrity is who I am. Nearly three years ago, that was taken from me, I gave it to someone who didn't deserve it and it nearly destroyed me. It broke me more than I thought it was possible to break. And to have someone identify integrity as a defining feature of who I am means the world to me because it means I took it back. I took my integrity back and released a situation out of my control, I let go of a weight that diminished me as a person, a weight that diminished my soul and I infused it with integrity as the driving force in my life. 

Why do I keep letting you get to me?

You're a buzz kill every time you come around, those beers might as well have been poured out. Why are you still showing up and bringing me down? Why do I keep letting you get to me and mess up what this night was supposed to be? You walk right by, crashing my high like I know you will. You little buzz kill. 

Oops, was that my outside voice?

Look, call me a bitch but I'd rather not be living in my parents house and working at an ice cream shop for 10$ an hour when I get married.

it's always going to be there.

Yesterday I was talking to JP and she was like, I can't believe number twelve hasn't said anything yet. At all.
And then DVZ and I went for dinner and we were kind of talking and I said I think JP is naive enough to believe that one day he's just going to wake up and everything will click for him. He will just wake up and be like, I love her what have I been thinking.
DVZ was like I'm kind of wondering why he hasn't yet.
I think that's what is so difficult. I don't really understand why. I don't understand how we got here.
DVZ and JP have both told me they think I'll hear from him before the end of the summer, before he leaves I mean. And every time they say that I say I don't know. Mostly, I don't know what to say because if he doesn't it will shatter me. I will be more broken than I thought was possible, more broken than I am now.
I almost feel like I'm grieving the loss of him right now. I gave him my heart and soul and he said nothing, absolutely nothing. And now I don't know what to do.
Everyone says, why don't you just move on. You deserve better. And a million other things. What they don't understand is that I can't just ~move on~. I have been trying to for 3 years. And if you've never felt this way about someone, then I don't think that you can comment on it. My heart stops when I see him. My stomach drops, I'm speechless, I'm nervous when I see him. And then he gives me a hug and it all goes away. I feel more comfortable and more myself than any other time.
So what am I supposed to do?

Change.

Seeing photos of the golf course is so weird. It lacks so much of the classic Rdgcc crew. 

It's called having faith.

I can't wrap my head around it. 

Maybe your head's in the way. 

It's never too late.

Chance to do what, make a fool of myself?