It would've been a great love story, it's just not ours.

The more that I try to make sense of my feelings, the less settled I feel. I think I'm approaching the idea that it's entirely platonic. And it wasn't until I just tried to explain it to S that I realized why that upsets me. It's not that I'm completely devastated that we're never going to be together and I thought that it would be. It's that he's not who I thought he was. I have a very bad habit for idealizing men I fall for. I create these idyllic notions in my head of who I think they are. I did it with sunshine, I did it with number twelve, I did it with J. J is an amazing human being in many ways. He hits every single box on the check list of what I want in a partner. He is exactly the type of person I want to be my future spouse. But I don't know if I want him to be my future spouse. While I am keenly aware of his flaws, he possesses every characteristic I'm attracted to. So I think, it's more of a question of myself. Why am I not in love with him?
I feel sometimes like I'm never going to find someone. And I know that's dramatic and silly because I am 23 years old and I have a lot of life left to live. It's just tough sometimes because it feels like everybody else has someone. And it's not that I particularly want to be with someone, it's that I don't particularly want to be without someone. And that sounds like the same thing but it's not. I think that's why I liked M. I knew there was no significant future for us but it was nice to have someone have feelings for me and talk to me. It was just nice to have him around for awhile.
I think right now coming to terms with J not being who I thought he was or who he would be for me is harder than anything. It's like grieving the loss of what could have been. I can't even believe myself as I write this and how stupid I sound. But it is. It feels like I'm losing what we could have had because I'm realizing he isn't who I thought he was. And that is hard for me. That hurts. The rational part of me is trying to justify his actions with the fact that he has a lot going on in his life and I'm not the centre of his world, etc. But another part of me is just incredibly hurt. And that is difficult to admit out loud. I'm just hurt. I don't like to verbalize or acknowledge when someone hurts me. I prefer to just let time run it's course until I get over it. But that's it. That's why I've been so upset. I'm hurt.
And for me it's like I am keenly aware that this isn't the end of the world, but it feels like it is. The idea of losing J feels like the end of the world. When it was 12, I never believed I'd get over him. I had convinced myself that I would never get over it or him and that he was the only person in the world I could be happy with. When I got over it, I realized how silly that was. I realized no matter who or what it is in the world that breaks my heart, I'll get over it. No matter how hard it is to breathe, how heavy it feels on my heart, how crushed my soul is, I'll get over it. I always do. Because of that I approached J in an entirely different fashion. And maybe that's a problem. Maybe that's a negative train of thought.
I think I just wanted it to be J so badly. I wanted to find that person and settle down and he has every single quality that I desire in a partner. He came into my life at such an integral moment and he saved me. He really did. So I wanted it to be him. I wanted to be able to tell people how we met and how he changed me; he healed me. I wanted to be able to explain to him how he put me back together without even realizing it at the time. It would've been a great love story. I've always wanted one of those. We have so much in common. We have so many similar interests. We could have built a beautiful life together. And that's what's hard for me right now. I'm coming to terms with the fact that yes, it would've been a great love story. It's just not our love story.