Life experience.

My brain is exploding today. My emotions are running on high. My heart hurts a little. I'm just in a funny space.
I think that one of the hardest parts of the situation with J now is life experience. At this point, J has treated me better than any male human being in my life and I value so much of what he has taught me and I appreciate all that he does for me. And I am afraid to lose him in many ways, but I'll survive. It would crush me, but at this point, I am confident that I can handle anything life throws at me.
I think the best/worst part is that I no longer look at men in general as, "there will never be another you," or "this is the best it's going to get for me". I remember thinking and more specifically, feeling that way with sunshine. I remember feeling that way with number twelve even though I was consciously aware that it could probably get better. I don't think that way with J. I am so much more open to us only ever being friends and understanding of the fact it might never progress even though I wish for our relationship to transform as some point. I'm not afraid for it not to. I'm not afraid that I will never find someone as wonderful as him. Sure, it'd be nice and he possesses many characteristics that I admire. Sure, I'd be sad and a little disappointed for it to never work out. But if it doesn't, something better will. And I think that's a significant part of my gratitude towards him. It's like he turned on a light in my brain that I didn't know existed and it changed my perspective on everything.
I think sometimes I feel sad and lonely because I'm alone but I'll find someone, some day. I'm not afraid that my expectations are too high or that I'm too picky. I deserve to be with someone that values themselves and values me. And I deserve to be with someone incredible, someone that loves me unconditionally and treats me with dignity and respect. Someone who does all the things I ask without complaining or getting frustrated, and actually enjoys doing them because they make me happy. Someone who appreciates all the things I want to do for them.
It's funny you know, they always tell you that life goes on but I think it takes a certain amount of life experience to really understand and appreciate that.