Why am I so afraid to be vulnerable?

Yesterday was emotional. It was long and tough and I sat in the Okotoks Chrysler parking lot bawling for awhile. I cried pretty much the whole way back to Calg to the gym. I was talking to J and he was lovely as usual. Then last night we talked about his mom and my mom. 

It's tough because I feel guilty bringing it up to him even though he's told me he's here for me. I hate it though because I know it cannot be easy for him to talk about but he does for me. He is really open with me about how he feels since he lost his mom. He tells me things he regrets. It's nice to see that side of him but it's tough because I don't know if I want him to fully see that vulnerable side of me. It kills me to have anybody perceive me as weak. And I don't know why I think that when it comes to me, vulnerability = weakness. I encourage everyone else to be open and to let it out but I hold myself to a higher standard. I'm not allowed to be vulnerable or to break. I always ensure people view me as the strong one. It's not even that I care if they think I'm strong, it's more that I'm terrified for people to perceive me as weak. I have been through so much in my life that I know I'm stronger than most people. I know that I am strong.  I have such an irrational fear of being perceived as broken but I am. I am so broken. I think we're all broken. We're bent and bruised with cracks and fragments of who we once were. But we're also an opportunity for what we can be. I truly believe we learn from every experience in our life and I believe that God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers. While I don't think it's fair and I pray often for things to just be easier for once, to go my way, I know that there's a lesson He's trying to teach me. Let me grow. Let me learn. Let me live.