I am lonely. Or maybe I'm not lonely. I think I am just ready to be with someone. I don't think it's so much a loneliness as it is a longing for contact. A longing for closeness.
For so long I never let anybody in and I never let myself want to have anybody around. I was perfectly content with being alone because I believed so strongly in the possibility of number twelve and I getting back together. And now I don't. I thought that it would be more difficult to say that or to write about it but it's not. It simply is.
I am terrified with my feelings for J because I don't know if I am really falling for J or if I'm falling for the idea of J. He is a phenomenal human being. I'm captivated by him, I really am. But I am terrified of how he makes me feel.
He knows that I'm wrapped around his finger and he can use it to his advantage. I don't like that.
I know that he genuinely cares about me and I think that he has feelings for me too but I don't know if he would ever act on them. We are both so cautious, so logical and rational. We understand the excess of consequences that would follow any sort of interaction. I mean people already think we're sleeping together.
I am trying so hard to let time run its course but I fear that one day I'm just going to snap and be like, what the fuck do you want from me?
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