Dirt.

I'm feeling frustrated. I dreamed about J last night and I'm just annoyed with my dream. I'm annoyed with the connection that we have and how easily we get along. I feel like I'm repeating the sunshine situation. It's like we are so perfect for one another that it's frightening. I know I dreamed about him because I was really flustered with him/ a situation I put myself into regarding him. Staying at his house was a bad idea. Nothing happened but it was just a bad idea. It likely built a false sense of hope in my head and probably built a huge sense of fear in his.

I'm also frustrated because one girl I work with who is like openly in love with J, is really getting on my nerves. She hates me, she straight up told another girl she does. I understand why and I really don't care that she hates me because I cannot stand her. She is the absolute opposite of everything I am. She's tanned with fake boobs and extensions and wears skanky clothing etc. She's like a Snooki circa when Jersey Shore was popular.
The other day we were at work and J was leaving at the same time I was and she made a comment about him going shopping and he's like no I'm going home to walk Duke. Then he goes in the office for a second and she's like oh so you're going to walk Duke too then?! And I was like mm nope?
Even if I were going to go to J's to walk Duke, I wouldn't tell her AND it doesn't affect her in any way, shape or form.
Yesterday she saw CG at Stampede. She asks CG, "Is B sleeping with J?" And CG being her normal shit disturbing self says, "Not to my knowledge". Just to keep that window of opportunity open. Then K says, "Oh well I know she stayed there on his birthday".
First of all, how the FUCK do you know that. Second of all, I SLEPT at his house, not with him. Thirdly, how does it impact you in any way. Fourth, your best friend is ACTUALLY sleeping with him so maybe you should be more concerned about that.
J straight up said to me last night, I think it's funny she's so concerned about you considering what her best friend JB is doing.
I'm partially frustrated by the fact that this is not who I am. I have put myself in some terrible positions before, including staying at J's house with just him and I. But I am not the girl who sleeps with her boss. I'm not the girl who sleeps with anyone. I sometimes wish that I could be that girl. I'm just not. I have never in my life just "slept with someone". Sure I've had one night stands, slept with more people that I wish I had. But number twelve is the only person I've ever had sex with sober, EVER. I haven't had sex in over a year.
Sex scares me a little bit. Not in like an I'm-afraid-of-penises kind of way but more the concept of being completely naked with all of my vulnerability in front of someone else TERRIFIES me. I am inexperienced, I know that. I admire girls who are so confident that they can just have sex to have sex but I can't. It's just not how I was raised and I just don't fully understand how to be that open to experiences.
So as much as I have feelings for J, I could never just "sleep with him" because that wouldn't be enough for me. I am not just another notch in his belt and I deserve better than that. I think that he too, knows that. I appreciate that he wouldn't try something on me when I was wine drunk at his house because he respects me enough not to. He just knows that's not who I am.