It's kind of funny you know? How things work out.
The other day number 12 sent me a message asking if I would be around RD this week. I said no, not likely, why?
He wanted to have coffee or something. He suggested we do it when he's home later in the summer. I think living in Cowtown right now is the best possible thing for me. But somehow, I was proud of myself because had this been a year ago, I would have driven home today to see him. I have the day off, there's no real reason why I couldn't drive home today. I just didn't. I feel like seeing him at this point would be counterproductive. I have spent the last 8-9 months trying to convince myself I will be okay without him. And yeah, I had a break a few weeks ago and messaged him because I was so overwhelmed with everything with mom that I needed some stability. And unfortunately, old habits die hard. The last time I felt so certain that things would be okay, I was laying in his arms. And I wanted to feel that again. But somehow, I don't. We spoked a little on and off for a few weeks but I don't find myself waiting for his response or rushing to respond. I haven't even responded to his last message because until now, I kind of forgot about it.
I think I just finally reached this point where I got tired of fighting for him. I wanted to reach this point 9 months ago, and a year ago and 3 years ago, but I just wasn't ready. I am so tired of trying to convince him how much I love him. I will always love him, but I shouldn't have to convince him that he loves me. And at this point, it really does have to be him.
In the most honest and authentic way I can, I have let go.
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