She'll make her mind up just to change it.

I was going to continue to talk about relationships two posts back but I figured I'd start a fresh one in an attempt to clarify my thoughts a bit.
Everyone I know is in a relationship or blissfully sleeping around. I honestly have zero problem with either, but I'm just not really there either way. I'll start with relationships. It's pretty obvious that I'm not in a place to be in a relationship. I miss 12 every single day. It is unfair to get into a relationship with someone when you cannot give them all of your heart. I don't know when I will be ready, when I will have fully dealt with all of the emotions from my situation with 12.
I am so happy for all of those people who are in happy relationships, I truly am. But sometimes it sucks because I would really have no problem being home right now if 12 or some other incredible man were laying next to me in bed.
I'm not one of these people. I'm not the type of person that gets sad and lonely and needs a boy. I know how stupid that sounds but it's true. I like being alone a large portion of the time. But my sister is going to be getting engaged soon and my other sister is married. My sister's 3 best friends who were also single for a long time have all found some great partners.
The half of my friends that aren't in relationships are perfectly enjoying banging dudes and having fun. And you know what, I honestly envy them a bit. I wish it was that easy for me to just hang out with a dude and have fun and whatever.
It's not who I am. I tried that. I hated the person I was. I was trying to numb my pain. I was trying to hurt 12. I was a terrible shell of a person and I was destructive and I had no respect for myself.
That's why it's tough for me. All of my friends can just hook up with dudes and it's nothing to them. And it doesn't bother me that they do that, it bothers me that I can't.
When it comes to men, I'm awkward and nervous and uncomfortable. I am just not the beautiful, glamorous girl who can just meet guys and they instantly fall in love with her. I meet guys and they instantly friend zone me because I watch sports and I wear my hair in a ponytail and I go to the gym. I care about fitness and health and my education. I'm in a tough place because I want to settle down and get moving forward with my life and have a real job and a real man but I'm not entirely ready for this.
My head is ready to be an adult.
My heart is not ready. My heart still loves number 12. And the problem is that my head know that my heart loves number 12. And my head knows that it will be at least another year before he's even close to coming home, if he ever comes home. So I'm stuck here. I don't know what to do or how to move forward.