In my head, I know I probably shouldn't have messaged him the other day. I haven't told anybody except S. I just don't want another friend to roll their eyes and say okay well you're gonna get hurt.
I guess I do it for reasons I cannot explain. I pride myself of being a pretty strong person. And when I hit the point where I actually messaged him, I knew it was because in the deepest, darkest most suppressed area of my soul, I needed to know he was okay. And I needed to be okay.
And I know that's stupid and irrational and absolutely insane, but it's true.
I feel lighter just having spoken to him. I cannot explain that feeling to someone else. You either understand it or you don't. I cannot put it into words for you. If you have never felt a constant, excruciating longing for someone then you cannot understand. And in all honesty, I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for people who haven't felt that. I know that it's difficult and I complain about it because it is a burden that weighs on my heart, but it's also the most whole my heart has ever felt.
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