We should love ourselves more.

I was talking to S about eating disorders and body image. I have a very distorted self image and I know it. I can consciously think about the fact that I'm not nearly as big as I think that I am. At the same time I look into the mirror and I see myself as overweight. I hate my stomach/ mid section. It is honestly like the death of me because I am starting to feel more comfortable with my body. Not my mid section though. 

I have so much hate for it. And I mean I was anorexic in high school and looking back I am like fack I was so skinny but at the time, I didn't think so. The other day a teacher referred to me as a skinny brunette girl and it made my whole week for someone to refer to it. 

I have been dealing with my size my whole life though. I have never ever been a tiny girl. I've never been super skinny or petit in any way. I have always been the tall girl. And I have always been the girl that "built bigger". And I mean brighter of my parents are tiny. They are not morbidly obese but they are definitely not built small. In grade 6 some boys started calling me tank. And I mean I was a bigger girl I get it but it really stung. And in high school one of them apologized. He said to me you look so good now and tht was mean of us and you should be proud of your size now. And as much as I appreciated that, that one compliment does not eliminate a year worth of being called tank. 

It's difficult for me because I so badly want to be built smaller. I like my height but even if I am skinnier than short girls, they always look smaller than me. I'm always bigger than my friends even if I'm in better shape than them. It is just so frustrating for me because I work so hard to be smaller. I eat well and work out and it doesn't seem to matter. All my friends are still smaller than me. 

The other day I said I'd been going to the gym the other day and ME was like you're so lucky you have time to go to the gym, I'm getting fat. I wanted I lose my mind. First of all you are not not will you ever be far. My size now would be fat for you. Second of all there is NOTHING about going to the gym everyday that is lucky. I am grateful to my body for carrying my to the gym every day but my body is grateful to me for taking care of it by eating well and working out. It's not luck, it is hard work. It's not easy to turn down a latte and banana bread at Starbucks for a coffee with a bit of milk and a banana. It's not easy to turn down pizza or cake to have a chicken breast and apple instead. My cheat day is pasta for fuck sakes which isn't even really unhealthy. It drives me mental when people make ignorant comments Iike that. Or they tell me that I'm anorexic or trying too hard. 

I am not trying to be a fitness model but it's something I would be interested in one day if I could do it in a natural healthy way. I am doing this because I feel better, I'm healthier, I'm happier and I don't completely hate myself.