Our friends were laughing, 'cause nothing like this ever happened to them.

Sometimes I'm just lonely. I want to be with someone. I want someone to sit beside me and tell me he loves me. I want him to stare at me for now reason. I want him to just lay next to me doing nothing at all.
I don't want to be this girl though. I don't let people know that I feel this way sometimes. I don't let them know that I'm lonely. I don't ever want to be that girl. I don't have the courage to text my friends and tell them that I really miss him. I don't know if it's even courage. I don't want them to be annoyed by me. I don't want them to say, "I know. It will get better. I don't know what to tell you."
It's been nearly 4 years. It's not going to get better. I sound condescending. I sound naive. They just don't understand. They have never felt like this.
I think that's what makes everything with number twelve so difficult for me; so exhausting. Most people my age, they don't understand it. I have been saying for nearly 6 years that I love him in a way that I cannot explain. And I know, cue stupid girl eye roll. I would do the same. I just cannot explain it. I have tried repeatedly to put it into words to make sense so that somebody can convince me that I am not absolutely bat shit fucking crazy.
I love him. I am so incredibly in love with him. I long for him every single day.
They say that it gets easier. It hasn't.
They say that the last person you think about before you fall asleep is the one that you truly love. It's him.
They say if you love two people at once, choose the second because if you really loved the first you would have never fallen in love with the second one. I thought I loved sunshine when I fell for number twelve. It was different.
Since number twelve, the thought of loving another man is excruciating to me. It's not a risk I even want to take. It would be a waste of time because I would never really be able to love them the way that I want to love the man that I marry.
Sometimes my friends encourage me to find someone new and they push me towards other people. I think it's weird to be alone sometimes so I tell them I'm not ready. It's not just that. I would hurt a boy who fell in love with me. I would break him. I don't want to get involved with another man for fear that he might fall in love with me. And if he did, I would inevitably break him. Not on purpose of course, but because he isn't number twelve.