JM: "I have never seen anyone build walls like you do. You can build walls up instantaneously, for anything, at any time. And no one is getting through those walls unless you say so. You and C."
Me: "Like CC?"
JM: "Yes, the two of you are incredibly talented at building up walls."
I never really thought about that before, I mean in terms of why number twelve and I struggled so much sometimes. I mean I know that once one of us let one in, the other would decide it was too close and fuck it up. Both of us wanted so badly to be wholeheartedly involved but neither of us knew how to completely take down our own walls.
We were so much more alike that either of us ever wanted to believe. We are so much alike. We are both stubborn but not in a confrontational way. We are stubborn because neither of us want to get hurt. Neither of us are willing to compromise who we are for somebody else. And I think that's one of the things I love about number twelve. He is who he is and he's not going to apologize for it; but if he shows you it, you're lucky because most people never see that part of him.
I think that that's what makes everything so hard for me with number twelve. We are so much alike and we value so many of the same things. We have the foundations to build a really great relationship on, we've just never really been at the exact same place relationship-wise to start.
I know that it sounds delusional and ridiculous and naive but there is just something that tells me it is not over between us. And I don't like admitting that because I would like to move on and experience life and find someone that makes me happy. At the same time, my heart belongs to him. And I genuinely think that one day he's going to wake up from the illusion he's created for himself and the goals of wealth and success aren't going to be enough for him. He's going to realize that something is missing. And I am that something. Our love is that something.
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