Always torn.

You know what's really weird? I feel okay. I mean I feel great. I'm okay. I am happy. I don't feel broken. I thought it would have been a phase, you know, like all the other times. I feel great. I'm happy. I'm nervous because I have a lot of really big changes all at once going on right now but I feel pretty good about life. I am excited for the new year. I sure hope 2014 is better than 2013. It's weird though. With 2013 I had a lot of terrible things happen, I lost a lot of people I loved and have faced some tribulations that are extremely tough. At the same time, I've become close with some of the most wonderful people. I've built some incredible friendships. I've had FUN which is saying something for me. I am proud of myself for how far I've come this year.
I mean at the beginning of this year, even three or four months ago, I would've said I'm going to get back with number twelve eventually. Now, I'm not so sure. I love him and I know that I always will. This time, I can say that I really do expect a lot more if we were ever going to be together again. I deserve more and so does he. We would both have to really put an incredible amount of effort in and we would have to be kinder to one another and commit. That's probably the hardest part for both of us: commitment.
I am not set on it though. I'm open to meeting new people and building new relationships. I haven't felt like this in six years. That's an incredible amount of time. I am actually just really happy right now. A piece of me is afraid for him to be home at Christmas. A tiny part of me hopes to see him out and about so that I know if I'm really over it or if it's just easy because I haven't seen or spoke to him. Another part of me prays I don't see him in the case that I can't handle it and I fall apart again.
I feel good and strong and happy. And I want to stay that way. I choose to stay that way.