I know I'm so fucked.

I am honestly so pathetic but I am still smiling about last night. It makes me feel incredible to have someone like MH hit on you. I have never ever been that girl and boys are just a really scary and uneasy thing for me. I'm friends with boys, I pick them up from the bar, I go to the gym with them, drink beers, watch sports. Boys don't ever hit on me. Like ever. And I think it's harmed my self esteem in away. I'm also not the pretty girl. Guys don't look at me ever and go "she's so hot," instead they go that girl can lay the throw down. In fact on Wednesday night I was talking with two boys and I said something and he's like yeah I bet you could beat the shit out of someone, and I was like why and he's I've seen you at the gym b. 

I am very very self conscious but I don't really show that. People just think I'm a judgemental bitch most of the time. But I'm not and my size has always been an issue for me. I'm not tiny and I'm never going to be tiny. In the last few months since I started working out with TH and following his resistance training program, I've started to see results.  And I love it. I feel so much better about myself. I know boys are looking at me and I just LOVE it. It's honestly pathetic. And that's why when someone like MH is giving me attention it literally makes me giddy an embarrassing amount. I slept so well last night. I went to bed happy and woke up happy despite my 6 hours of sleep. I need to feel like someone other than number twelve will be attracted to me, someone else might possibly fall in love with me someday. 

And I know how completely fucked up that must sound. But every other boy hat shows interest makes it my day a lttle easier without number twelve. And every boy makes me feel a little better about myself. And that's a really nice change for me.