I'm just alone.

I'm afraid of being alone. I'm terrified of always being alone. My mom is this strong independent woman. And I think a huge part of why she's been single for so long is that she's too independent and not-trusting. And I think she's so incredibly strong and I admire her strength so much.
But I fear her strength. I fear that I have that inherent independence. I have this inability to trust people.
All of these people are in relationships, pretty much everyone I know is in a relationship. And I don't honestly care that I'm not in one right now. But it's always been number twelve for me and we've only actually officially dated for like 4 months of the 5 years we were together. We were together for much more than that but the label of boyfriend and girlfriend lasted less than 4 months. And that terrifies me. What if I'm undateable. I know how ridiculous that sounds but at the same time, it's not. Everyone else is always dating. I know that in large part, I don't open myself up to the possibility of dating because no one else is number twelve. But what if I'm so scared that I never let anybody else in.
I have no doubts that I can't make it through this life happily and successfully alone. I doubt that I can't do it with someone else. I fear that I will never be with someone else. I mean it seems so easy for everybody else to find someone. They break up and move on and date someone else. That's never worked for me.
Even when I was crazy about sunshine, I still had a lot to deal with. It's just so hard for me because I see all these happy couples all the time and it's never me. I'm not ever in the relationship. I'm never the happy couple that people wish they were. I'm not the happy couple that makes people believe in love.