It's really hard having this this with number twelve. I use the term "this thing" because loving him scares me and I fear using the phrase "this love". I also think "relationship" is a poor word choice because it's not the conventional relationship type relationship nor is it the friendship type relationship or familial type relationship.
He said something the other day at coffee that bothered me. He said that every choice he ever made in lethvegas was a bad one and at the time I kind of joked about it but it actually really bothered me. And somehow, I've found my courage again when it comes to him because today I asked him if he really thinks they were all bad. While I feared he would say yes, a small part of me almost wished for it because it would make it so much easier. If he told me every decision he made here was bad and he regretted it, I would probably never speak to him again. However, he didn't say that. Instead, after arguing that my inquiry lacked purpose and relevance, he said something along the lines of regret is stupid because every choice we make makes us who we are so he cannot regret that.
It was good and hard to hear that. If he'd have said yes, they were all bad, I would have said one of two things. I would have not responded, or responded with November 12, 2009 and not responded no matter what he said.
It seems silly but it's just a hard place. I love him so much and it was so incredibly normal and easy and relaxing to just sit there talking about our lives and our futures on Friday. It was nice to sip tea while he sipped his coffee and remember all of the days we did that at his house, or mine. It was just to just look at him and have him comment on every aspect of what I was wearing, every aspect of my life really. His clever comments, snide but loving remarks.
He pointed out my watch. His family is literally obsessed with watches and I very rarely, if ever, wear watches. When I teach, I like wearing a watch because it is less obvious than looking at the clock at least, from the students' perspective. And of course, he noticed and commented. It's the simply little silly things like that that make me miss him every single day. Those are the things that make me miss speaking to him every day, and seeing him at every chance I get.
While I understand that being that involved in each other's lives right now is not functional nor appropriate nor fair to either of us, it doesn't make it any easier. I think the hardest part is knowing that there is still a uniquely beautiful love there, a caring, an understanding, yet at the same time knowing and recognizing that the timing is not right. It was hard to listen to him talk about leaving in the fall. And please do not mistake me for not being so incredibly proud of him and believing in him and committed to loving him and supporting him through every single minute of that experience, I am, but I will miss that man every minute of every day.
And it's funny because for so long he was just a boy, but he's not a boy anymore. He has grown up immensely. He has grown beautifully and kindly and slowly. There is a love in my heart and a special place that only he will ever attain. And I'm okay with that, I've come to terms with that. Seeing him makes me so proud and feel so incredibly blessed to have been a part of his life, part of his transition from boy to man.
I think that usually, I'm heartbroken beyond belief when I see number twelve. And seeing him, it was hard but it was also wonderful. It was so nice to just see him and spend time with him, sober, not in bed together, just hanging out old school style. I love him so much and he makes me so incredibly happy. And my heart broke when he was talking about going away but at the same time, I know that this is best for him in his life. As a result, I will miss him and love him every day and my pride and support will grow for him every day.
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