Courage.

This week has been so surreal. I'm not even sure what's real anymore. It's like everything that I never would have imagined has happened. I am still not sure I have fully processed the KW thing. And yesterday, after I stopped to see number twelve, I called him and left a message telling him I did. That is completely out of character for me. I think that I needed it to be over for real. I think I needed him to completely ignore me, to completely move on. At any other time in my life, I would have had a breakdown because he never even texted me back. But I didn't. I'm actually completely okay. I mean I love him and miss him but I'm almost starting to believe that's just something I will always feel for him. And if that's the case, I think I'm okay with it.
TK always tells me he's a habit, one that will be hard to kick because I've been doing it for so long: loving him the way that I do.
Yesterday, LG told me that she thinks that I'm afraid of another relationship, afraid of love because nobody worth it has come into my life yet. Nobody that is even remotely worth me giving up time and energy for has come into my life after number twelve, and that's why I'm afraid. But if I wait, and if I meet the right boy, that I will be willing to risk love again.
I don't really know what to think because I don't know what I would do if a man came into my life that was worth it. I cannot say how I would react, how I would feel or what I would do. I don't really want a relationship right now, I mean I want a boy to be next to me sometimes, but I'm not ready for a relationship. And I know that.
I just hope LG is right. I hope that when a wonderful man comes into my life I have the courage to let him in, the courage to give him a chance, the courage to let him love me, the courage to love him back.