marley and me.

honestly everything in my life seems like a giant mess right now. for as long as i can remember i have always wanted children and when number twelve told me he never ever wants kids it practically devastated me. but lately, it's been weird. since he said that, it's like theres been signs that i shouldn't have kids. he gave me marley and me, the movie to watch and i finally watched it last night. it made me really take a look at why i wanted kids. and i know exactly why he wanted me to watch it; he's scared our relationship will become like that. that we will begin to give up our own dreams for the other one; that we'll sacrifice our careers for children, that it will deteriorate our relationship because it's so hard. i understand why he doesn't want kids, i do. but it still breaks my heart a bit.
today, a girl in my history class started talking about kids and society and how she never ever wants them because she is afraid she'll screw them up or that the way she raises them will be different from how society wants them to be. and that's a lot of pressure to put on a child and even more pressure to put on a parent. she reminded me of all the bad things about being a parents. and i just find it a little too ironic than number 12 and i are at this space in life.
heck, i just turned 19. i don't want children anytime soon. why am i stressing this. i don't want kids for years. this is one of the reasons we aren't together right now. because we are always looking so far ahead we forget about just being happy together right now.