i wish i knew what i wanted.

ugh.
how can i stay up until 2 in the effin morning talking to ltl when i have to be up at 630.
why do i do these things that i do to myself.
i'm so flustered. i have no idea what i want. i mean i want someone. someone that i can talk to on demand at any hour of any day and tell them absolutely anything. like the fact i set off the smoke detector last night, or that i don't feel very good, or that i really want to go to the hockey game on thursday. like before. and that's all i miss about the friendship with sunshine. i just get so frustrated. i mean i love talking to ltl and he makes me smile and laugh when i'm in the worst possible mood. like driving drunks and he just pokes me or sings to me or looks at me and i can't help but smile. and then i think about what i miss the most right now and number twelve comes to mind. he just ugh. i was his everything. and he wanted me to be his everything. and now that i want to give it a real chance, it's just too late. too much has changed. he lives and hour and a half away and he is so happy. he just loves partying and he has girls flocking to him, like they always were, and he's actually trying in school. and he's just grown up and changed and i'm so proud of him. and i really wish that he knew that. but i threw away my chance. i threw it away and i have to live with that. i have to live with the fact he ignored so many girls and so many opportunities to hook up and gain notches on the belt because he wanted me. he changed for me. but he was still himself. and i just am so confused as to what i want. i don't think i really even want a boy. i think i just want someone to cuddle with. or someone to just listen at any time. i just really like don't know what i need. i don't know what i want. i am enjoying life. maybe i feel like there should be a boy in my life because everyone else thinks there should be. because everyone else wants a boy, needs a boy. i've never been the girl to need someone. and last time i did, it broke my heart. and then i did it again, and i pushed him away and broke his. like what the hell am i doing with myself. why do i have to ruin these things. throw away the people i care about.
i don't know what i want. and i don't feel better.