fuck. i can't even focus. i have a midterm tomorrow and i am entirely unprepared. i was so worried about giving you the letter that i didn't think about the backlash of over thinking, over stressing what happens now. for 3 years you have been my life. my morning, day and night. and now i do not know what to do. i handed you the envelope thinking i'd feel liberated. but as i got into my vehicle the only feeling i had was nausea. i actually thought i was going to have to pull over. and then the nausea passed and the tears fell down my cheeks. that was goodbye. that was it. i just decided our future. and though i've never been so nervous in my life, now it's real. now all my talk for the last month and a half. well actually the talk for the last year and a half, it's all like real. it's like hard to breathe it's so unbelievable. i mean i just said goodbye without actually saying goodbye. i said goodbye without a hug or anything. i said, whatever my last word was with a smile. it makes me wonder if all this was worth it. if i had just been like over stressing the fact that i should be over it and i wasn't when in fact i was. and now i am overthinking it more than before. and now i'm babbling because i do not know how i feel. i mean this was supposed to make me feel better. you knowing how i've felt the last three years. but i don't think better is the word. nervous. anxious. nauseaus. those words describe how i feel. those words describe how i'm going to feel for the next five days. in five days you will finally read it. read the words i've longed to say for three years. and in five days it will be a real goodbye. cause this right now, still talking, it's cheating. this is the reason i am second guessing myself. and third guessing and fourth guessing and sixteenth guessing. but i did this to benefit me. right. positive. letting go.
goodbye.
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