i just wanna breathe again.

my heart hurts.
i'm so lost.
this isn't who i am or who i want to be.
every time i try to be strong, you come back.
and i know its not good for me but it makes me weak.
i've lost people i care about because of you.
you control my life and i really don't want this anymore.
i'm not sure how to deal with this.
i don't know what you want, i don't think you know what you want.
i think you and i are the same.
we're both so afraid to give someone the power over us,only you know you already have my heart and i already know i have yours.why are we so afraid to let go and just let it happen? is it the fear of losing one another? or is it the fear of actually being happy? is it the fear of finding out we aren't who we think we are, or finding out we are exactly who we think we are? why is it so easy to push you away when i know i'll need you back in my life, despite the liberation i feel when you're gone. why is it so easy for you to push me away when we both know you'll come back. this thing. whatever it is. we both know we need it and we both know we don't want it. yet neither of us know why. i can't explain the solace i find in your words. or the calm i feel inside when you say anything. i can't explain the way i'll be thinking about anything and want to know what you think about it. or i'll have some good news or bad news and want you to know. i can't explain that i can do or say the silliest thing but i can't wait to tell you about it. i can't explain that hearing you had a shitty day, or that you're going to hang out with the little ones or you're watching something ridiculous on the discovery channel makes me smile. that i like hearing the littlest parts of your day. like before. that i miss being able to say good night knowing that by the time i'd wake up, you'd already have a good morning message waiting. it's not the way it used to be and i can learn to live with that. i can accept it. i need you to not ask me to be in your future and not ask questions. i need to understand what's going on with you. i need to understand what you really want from our friendship. i need to know what you need from me so that i can do my best and be there for you. but i need you to not need me as convenience. i need you to need me but i need you to let me need you back. i need to know what you want this, what you want us to be and to know where i stand. and mostly i just need to understand.
i just need you to let me be me. and i need you to be you. and i need us to be us.
and we can just let the rest of the garbage, the labels, the comments, the opinions, the history be history. we can let go of what everyone's said and thought for the last three years. we can move on. we can leave it behind. we can just see where it goes. we can be ourselves and that can finally be enough.