I'm basically the Incredible Hulk.

Sometimes this is the only way.

I'll be okay.

And at night, mostly I lay awake tears streaming down my face hoping I'll just fall asleep soon. 

Coincidence?

Today I posted this photo on Instagram. I received a message of gratitude later this evening. A part of me wonders if there's a connect.

Rested.

I am so fucking content right now. I don't even want to get out of bed. I think it was  1 when we went to bed. And I heard him getting ready to leave at 4 and I've been up for 45 and I still feel more rested than I have in months. 

Wow.

It's okay to look out for number one.

My students are so damn insightful.

"You were still art even when he stopped admiring you". 

Faith over fear.

What do you do when your perspective is altered? I mean in a way that makes you rethink everything.
Yesterday, my sister pulled some cards for me. She came and sat on the bed with me and we just talked. She thinks she's becoming a medium. I don't know what to think. I have a set of angel cards. I always find that stuff intriguing but I'm still skeptical.
The cards I pulled yesterday are life-changing though. They change a decision. A big one. And I don't honestly know what to do. I know I need to trust my intuition. I know that. But it feels like there is so much loudness around my intuition that I can't hear it, not clearly. I don't know what the right thing to do is. But I wonder if I'm struggling so much with the decision right now, that maybe that means it's not sitting right. Maybe I do need to revisit it.
I am terrified. Either way it's potentially terrible consequences. I need the strength of my faith to be stronger than my fear.

Integrity.

Heart melted.

Today I'm struggling to be grateful. I know I am lucky and privileged in life but today is just tough. 

This afternoon a girl I coached told me she was writing an essay about me and said what is it about, what's the assignment? She said, someone who has a heart of gold. 

Perspective.

How could I be so naive, so blind, so stupid.

I don't know if it's ever really occurred to me until now the biggest difference between him and I. The biggest difference between them and I. I didn't realize the immensity of such an inherent part of who I am. The side effects. I didn't realize why I find myself in this situation over and over with other people but it's so clear now. How did I not see it before. I'm always looking out for him. And he's always looking out for himself. 

DT.

No one else in the world is going to look out for you. You gotta do what's best for you. You gotta fight for you. Parents, coaches, teachers, friends... They're going to put you down and they might not believe in you. You have to figure out what you want and don't let anybody stand in your way. You are the only one who decides if you're successful. You're going to get bullied. You're going to fail. You're going to hurt. You're going to face adversity.  You look at the people you admire and I can promise you, they have one thing in common. They all got back up. They kept going. That's why they are successful. They didn't let anyone or anything get in their way. 

Straight into my soul.

We're not perfect. Any of us. We make mistakes, we screw up. But then we forgive and we move forward. At least you have the courage to feel. You feel everything so deeply. 

Thoughts.

Love is fragile and we're not always its best caretakers. We just muddle through and do the best we can and hope this fragile thing survives against all odds. 

Nothing has ever been more true.

It was after 2am, give me a break.

It's so frustrating when you can only sleep a maximum of 5 hours no matter how tired you are. 

Respect.

Today D asked me if he could have my leadership class. I knew as soon as he did that he wanted to give a speech, especially for B because I've been voicing my concerns about him. So he comes in and gives a 48 minute pep talk. He tells the story of his childhood and his family's escape from Vietnam. He talked about how you are the only person standing in the way of success in your life. I honestly sat in the back of the class in tears. That man is the epitome of perseverance. I have nothing but respect for him. 

Reading.

I just read about Cancers and then about Virgos. And then about their compatibility. Over and over I read about Cancers and it says you have to make the first move. My mom's told me that. A medium told me that. I'm just so terrified.
Reading about myself is always interesting. It talked about how logical virgos are and how sometimes their head gets in the way of their heart. How we disconnect ourselves from emotion. Instead of feeling it, we just step back and analyze it. That was a hard truth. And how being friends with a Virgo can be difficult because Virgos are always trying to give advice to better your life but it can sometimes be rude. It also discusses how you might be able to tell something is off with a Virgo but asking them about it is not the answer, it's better to wait until they are ready to talk about it.
I feel like that suits me. I am definitely not myself but none of my friends have really pushed the issue and I appreciate that.