Power of a pen.

The thing that is so neat about this blog is to have the ability to look back and see how much I've grown as a person. For 10 years, I've been writing here. And really, I should write more. I should take the time for myself to share and to release and to free myself of the weights of this world and the stresses, big and little, that I carry each day.

It's pretty amazing really to look back at the person I was 10 years ago. What a transformation. The way I look at myself, the things I want out of life, the people I want to spend time with. The whole world is different. My whole world is different. 

When I was a little girl, I went through a lot of things. I saw and lived things that an 8, 10, 14 year old girl shouldn't live, or experience or worry about. And I remember my mom telling me one time, yes you have a lot of experience for someone your age, but there is a lot of life experience that you don't have. 

And I think that's just it. Most of the people in this world will never know the hardships I've endured in my life--- because I won't let them. And maybe that's arrogant because I don't want the world to see all the bumps and bruises and scars. Maybe it's brave to continue on after enduring such hardship. I don't know. 

I think as I get older the thing I find the most intriguing is just viewing all of that change and growth and the immense fortitude that I've been blessed with. 

Melt my heart.

On Saturday, we had a date night. We don't go on too many dates.. we'd rather stay home and cook together or relax. Save money for traveling, etc. 

On occasion, we go out though. And we went for dinner to a Spanish tapas restaurant and it was the most incredible dinner. We had an amazing GT to start the night and then just enjoyed all the different tapas. We ordered 2-3 at a time and slowly enjoyed some wine throughout the evening. 

He had just finished eating a seafood dish and I asked him if he was happy. 

He looked at me and he said, "food, drink and you-- how could I not be. Only one thing is missing-a foreign country-- two weeks." 

Imagine how much you could love the right one.

I have spent a lot of time reflecting lately. It's really interesting to me to think about how you grow and change as a human being.
I look back a few years. Even a year and a half and think about where I was emotionally as a human. When I got smushy, I needed someone to love me. That dog in many ways saved my life. When I realized that I was loveable, when he loved me so unconditionally, it changed the way I view myself. It wasn't an overnight change, self-love is an ongoing battle for me but I began to make progress. I started to recognize that I could be loved.
I spent so long immersing myself in unrequited love. And it's silly to think or say but I really was the one immersing myself in it. I lost myself in what I thought I wanted. I lost myself in a person who I thought was the one.
I went to his house the other day and it was such a weird and yet empowering experience. I sat there thinking back to the way I used to feel and realized that I wouldn't change a single second of everything I've been through. I wouldn't change a single second of my life with Poland. There was no part of me that wondered, "what if". I sat there and saw all the things I didn't want, all the things Joe Bastianich could never provide for me.
It's so funny how your perspective changes. I was so convinced that he was the one for me. And now, I can't imagine a different life. I can't imagine a world without Poland. Our life together is something so special.
When he says I love you, I say I love you more. He says nope. No way. When I ask how he knows, he says I just do. It's not about what he says though. It's the things he does to show me he loves me. It's the forehead kiss he gives me before he gets up in the morning. Doing the dishes and the laundry when I'm gone. Making me dinner, or sending me lunch to work when I am too busy-- because he knows I won't think about it and forget to eat. It's coming with my crazy family to an amusement park for the day on the busiest day of the year. When the kids say, "uncle P, can you go with me"? And he goes on a ride with them, or plays with them. When he knows I've had a tough week and I need a hug and he shows up with flowers just because he can.
The little things always mean the most. And the way that he demonstrates his love for me every day mean so much more than any word a person could say. The way that he loves me teaches me to love myself.

Growth

It's sort of funny how at every age in your life  as you go though experiences, you think that this has to be the hardest thing I'm ever going to go through. And then something else happens. And every time it feels terrifying and unnerving and you don't know how you will get through it. Yet somehow, every time you do. Every time I do.
And every time I go through an experience now, I'm less scared. Even when that first pang of fear and uncertainty hits you like a freight train, I have a different kind of understanding, perhaps a maturity, that calms me. It stabilizes me.

A little late

I had a moment today where I realized the magnitude of the decision we made. We're moving in together. And until now, no part of it has phased me. I had no major concerns, no worries. We really haven't had any major blow outs of fights. A few arguments, a few disagreements of course, but nothing unkind or attacking.
I've been grumpy the last few days. The stress of everything  going on right now is really getting to me. Moving has been the biggest headache. I'm already out of my place because the girl I was living with put her house up for sale. Having a dog is not conducive to selling a house because I can't leave work on an hour's notice and pick him up. My stuff is mostly there; clothes and such here at a friend's house. We don't get possession of our place until April 1. The possession date for the place all of my stuff is in March 20.
So basically I have to move twice. Huge pain in the ass. I emailed my new landlord and I am PRAYING that he can somehow move up his possession date, so we can move up our move-in date. In the grand scheme of things, it probably won't save me money because we'll have to pay half a month's rent, however-- it will save me the hassle of moving TWICE.
The other idea my dad had is one of those moving storage containers. But those are expensive so that's going to cost like 600 bucks and there's nowhere really to even put it on either property so that's not really helpful either.
I just want to curl up in a ball and bawl. It's such a hassle. I just want to cry. I'm living in a place (rent-free, so I appreciate that)

I don't think anything has ever resonated more.

"One of the most validating things I have ever experienced was this counsellor telling me something along the lines of, "I think you know that your parents are never going to be what you need them to be. Even if your friends' parents and your partner's parents are to them what they need of them. You need to establish boundaries between yourself and them and stop giving them so much when you don't receive the same in return".

Majestic, graceful, respect.

He sent me this the other day, and all he said was read the caption.

This is why I'm in love with him. The way he treats me, his respect for me and women in general. The way he views our relationship and how we treat one another and interact, it's amazing. It's so respectful.

We were talking about it more so he sent me the picture of a lioness putting a lion in his place and we teased--- Then he sent me the bottom part.
That's just it. It's a team, together, the two of us. We spoke about putting an image like that up in a very visible place when we have a home together. A reminder for who we are and how we treat one another even at the most difficult, stressful, frustrating and unnerving times. On any occasion, it has to be the two of us standing together.

Reminiscing on the first date.

New Year's Day.

We had the BEST New Year's. It was honestly one of the best evenings of my entire life. It started with a bit of an argument and turned into a really nice evening. 

I made a lamb roast with rosemary baby potatoes, honey carrots and beets and a homemade mint tzatziki. We shared a bottle of Veuve Cliquot and some prosecco and wine and just cuddled on the couch, chatting and waiting for the countdown. Right before bed, we said I love you. 

This is what he said to me the night after. 

Fight initiated.

Poland's parents, amoung many other couples fight so much over the dumbest shit. So for us, it has kind of become a running joke. And instead of actually getting mad we just tease one another about irritating things and laugh about people who let these things upset them and cause strife in relationships. The above, is an example when he exploded shit in my microwave and didn't wipe it up-- which is irritating but he just forgot in his hunger rage haha. 

He is so incredible. In every single way.

A night to remember

It’s such an incredible feeling when you realize why nothing worked out the way you hoped before. When you realize that the person you’re with is one you can build a life with-one you want to build a life with.
We were chatting tonight about the little things he does and how much they mean to me because I was explaining things he does that he doesn’t realize or even think about that most men don't do in general, let alone boys in our generation. We were talking about his friend that came to the hockey game with us and he made a comment that D walked through the door before I did. He never walks through the door before me. Not ever.
We were downtown and I was going to get in the passenger side of my vehicle but that was the side closest to the road with traffic... he walked around the vehicle with me and stood to make sure there was no traffic coming lest I get hit by a car.
Last night he knew I was irritated with the way the day went and he brought me flowers. Not because I was mad, but because he thought it would be a nice way to start a new year.
Tonight I thanked him for such a nice evening last night and day today and he thanked me in return, told me how lovely it was and said there’s no one he would’ve rather spent it with.
The way we treat one another, the way we speak to one another and look at one another and laugh at each other is all done with great respect for the other person. He did something tonight and I teased him a little saying he’s so thoughtful (he's been telling me since I met him that he has a heart of stone). He laughed and pokes back only thoughtful when it come to me.
I am so unabashedly in love with him.
I told him for the first time last night that I loved him. And he gazed so long at me and without skipping a beat says I love you too. I told him I didn’t want him to just say it. He shook his head at me as only we do and said you know I mean it. And I did. I do know he means it. It is the neatest thing in the world— to feel like this.

It’s just so right.

How do you know when you’re ready to spend the rest of your life with someone? How do you know when you finally found it?

my heart

My mistake.

On my birthday, he came to pick me up. He texted me that he was hear. I opened the front door and start criticizing, "you can't even come to the..." I paused. He was standing on my front step with a bouquet of flowers for me. My heart melted. It was something from a movie. He drives me crazy some days but he sure knows how to make a girl feel special.

Late.

My mom and one of my sisters have both told me they think I'm going to be married before my sister is. FYI that's just over a  year until her wedding. The idea of that is crazy to me. I don't really know how I feel about it. I'm not ready to get married yet.
I thought I posted that awhile back.
Honestly, he's wonderful and I see many things that are in accordance with how I want to spend my life. The lifestyle, the priorities, etc. It's been a tough few weeks for us. We've been so busy and it's really difficult when you don't see one another. We also are both learning how to be together. I've been alone for so long that it's really difficult for me to be with someone. Sometimes, that means my expectations of him are unreasonable which is unfair because he's been incredibly upfront about what to expect for hockey season.
What I do love, is the way we communicate. When I'm upset, I tell him and he's receptive. He also stands up for himself and puts me in my place. He tells me I'm wrong without making me feel crappy. I want someone who will challenge me in my life and he does.

the feels.

I think I'm falling in love with him. It's really the oddest thing. Our relationship is so adult. And I know how silly that sounds but it is. The other night I was so upset with him (and probably overreacted in my head a little) but when I spoke to him about it, I was so calm and he was so respectful about it. He apologized and recognized why I was upset and said he would try to handle it differently next time.
It's really weird and I can't explain it because I didn't feel that, "OH MY GOSH THIS IS IT" feeling. I have thought for my whole life that that's the person I want to be with. The one who gives me butterflies and uneasiness but I don't think it is anymore. Ironically my butterflies have grown over time. I get more excited to spend time with him the more that I get to know him. And I've read before that you shouldn't be with the person who gives you butterflies. I searched the quote and it says, "my mother once told me: when you hold a man's hand and he makes your heart beat faster and he makes you feel giddy and excited, walk away from this man. He is not the man for you. If you hold a man's hand and he makes you feel warm, safe and secure, hold onto him. This is the man you're going to marry." I have always chased the boy who gives me butterflies and honestly I don't think it's the answer.
It's the little things that he does that I find so endearing. The other day I was frustrated with my roommate and he held me in his arms, embraced me tightly in a hug and gently rubbed my back for a few minutes. This morning I had mentioned something about getting my place ready for my landlord to show it and he brought up the fact that we need to fix the two baseboard corners that Henry chewed. I teased him about doing it instead and then said I'd do it and I'd only get him if I needed help and he was like no, I'll help you. It's little things. The simplest, kindest, things that mean so much to me.
And I know these are things you do for your significant other. I've been alone for so long it's just so nice to have someone else around. Someone so willing to help, so kind. It's inexplicably amazing to have someone like that around.
It's crazy because DVZ was here last night/today and I said out loud that if in the spring he still hadn't bought and things continue to progress that I would consider buying with him. It seems silly to buy separate and pay for two places if we're going to be spending time at one. I know she was a little hesitant and a little surprised because it's kind of quick to feel like that but I can't explain it. We're also not 20 and in university anymore so it's very different from her relationship. I'm ready to settle down in my life and I wouldn't buy a place tomorrow but in 6-8 months I can't imagine why I wouldn't. Normally, the thought of children and buying a house with someone and giving up my freedom would scare the shit out of me but it just doesn't. I feel so calm when it comes to him.
I don't know what is going to happen and I don't want to ruin it but I just feel so content with him. Happy. And it scares me to say out loud but I can see myself building a future with him.

We ran out of road in that one horse town.

I was thinking about number 12 the other day and how he's engaged. It's crazy. Mind-blowing. But then I started thinking about it. There's no way that I would possibly know him anymore. I have changed so much as an individual in the last 10 years. That's how long ago we started-- 10 years. The person I was then is barely recognizable to the person I am now. And that's not a bad thing. I think it's sort of incredible that we get to experience these different loves as we trudge through life. We have friends and relationships and grow as an individual while all these things shape us. And that's pretty cool.

Poland comes home.

She's not kidding. He was amazing. He took family photos with us. For real. The first time he ever met my family, we were taking a family photo for the wedding and mom said, go get him. And he actually did it. I'm floored.
I am so happy. We had such a nice weekend. Drank way too much. He said some things I really needed to hear and talked about seeing them again. He also made a comment today about clothes for work and how he's so happy he doesn't have to dress up at his new job. I said but you look so good in dress clothes!
He melted my heart. He told me if I was patient enough, I'd see him all the time in dress clothes in the winter. The more I get to know him, the more he starts to let me in, I just fall harder and harder. It is so adult. It's so nice. He sent me a photo from when he was little yesterday, I died. So damn adorable.
I have not been this happy in so long. I can't even put it into words.

Thoughts from the person who matters most upon meeting Poland for the first time.

"I had fun with him. I loved when he was dancing with us.  He seemed like a nice guy. You seem suited to each other. Does he think we're crazy? He did top notch considering what he was walking into."
"After he took fam photos with us was was thinking he either really likes you or he's never speaking to you again".