Perspective.

How could I be so naive, so blind, so stupid.

I don't know if it's ever really occurred to me until now the biggest difference between him and I. The biggest difference between them and I. I didn't realize the immensity of such an inherent part of who I am. The side effects. I didn't realize why I find myself in this situation over and over with other people but it's so clear now. How did I not see it before. I'm always looking out for him. And he's always looking out for himself. 

DT.

No one else in the world is going to look out for you. You gotta do what's best for you. You gotta fight for you. Parents, coaches, teachers, friends... They're going to put you down and they might not believe in you. You have to figure out what you want and don't let anybody stand in your way. You are the only one who decides if you're successful. You're going to get bullied. You're going to fail. You're going to hurt. You're going to face adversity.  You look at the people you admire and I can promise you, they have one thing in common. They all got back up. They kept going. That's why they are successful. They didn't let anyone or anything get in their way. 

Straight into my soul.

We're not perfect. Any of us. We make mistakes, we screw up. But then we forgive and we move forward. At least you have the courage to feel. You feel everything so deeply. 

Thoughts.

Love is fragile and we're not always its best caretakers. We just muddle through and do the best we can and hope this fragile thing survives against all odds. 

Nothing has ever been more true.

It was after 2am, give me a break.

It's so frustrating when you can only sleep a maximum of 5 hours no matter how tired you are. 

Respect.

Today D asked me if he could have my leadership class. I knew as soon as he did that he wanted to give a speech, especially for B because I've been voicing my concerns about him. So he comes in and gives a 48 minute pep talk. He tells the story of his childhood and his family's escape from Vietnam. He talked about how you are the only person standing in the way of success in your life. I honestly sat in the back of the class in tears. That man is the epitome of perseverance. I have nothing but respect for him. 

Reading.

I just read about Cancers and then about Virgos. And then about their compatibility. Over and over I read about Cancers and it says you have to make the first move. My mom's told me that. A medium told me that. I'm just so terrified.
Reading about myself is always interesting. It talked about how logical virgos are and how sometimes their head gets in the way of their heart. How we disconnect ourselves from emotion. Instead of feeling it, we just step back and analyze it. That was a hard truth. And how being friends with a Virgo can be difficult because Virgos are always trying to give advice to better your life but it can sometimes be rude. It also discusses how you might be able to tell something is off with a Virgo but asking them about it is not the answer, it's better to wait until they are ready to talk about it.
I feel like that suits me. I am definitely not myself but none of my friends have really pushed the issue and I appreciate that.

Be who you needed when you were younger.

I honestly don't know where I'd be without D right now. He is the most loyal friend I have ever had. He makes a point to build me up every single day and I need that so much right now. Sometimes he does it in the most sarcastic, silliest ways but he always makes sure to make me laugh.
I was telling him how this parent told me I look tired and stressed and how I hate that because they are basically saying, you look like shit. And he was like, well even when you look like shit you are sexier than most women. I just laughed.
The next morning, he sees me down the hallway, kindly opens my door for my and then says, you look tired and stressed, you doing okay coach?
Just enough to be nice and open my door to throw out a comment he knew would make me smile.
He always thinks of little things. Of reminding me of my worth and that's nice.
I like to think I know my worth but the truth is, I forget it on a pretty regular basis. And that's really sad to me because I have a lot to offer the world, I know that. And yet, I don't feel that way. I see the negatives. The scariest part of that for me is when I see it in my students. I see incredible kids who do not see their value. I worry about kids who don't recognize anything they have to offer the world.
D is so confident. He is so sure of himself as a human. He's been through a lot but he gets up every morning, happy, brightening the days of everyone around him. I am so grateful to have someone who reminds me every single day what the most important part of my job is, why I do what I do.

Do not let your fire go out.

Heavy.

Chicago Med.

You might be surprised how things you once thought were sooooo important become less so as you get older. My life definitely became bigger, messier, far more interesting than I ever thought it could when I was younger. And you know what? It hasn't always been such a bad thing. 

Another hard day.

Life's Detours
Life doesn't always happen the way you want it to or the way you planned it or hoped for...
Detours suddenly appear; storms blow in unexpectedly. The road you're traveling -- that seemed so safe and secure-- changes direction without warning, and life becomes something that's not at all what you thought it would be. You find there's nothing to do but stop for awhile, figure out your options, and think about new decisions you have to make.
Life is forever changing. You can't always control what happens, but you can hang tough through it all and make the changes and decisions necessary and will help you grow in spite of the disappointments, develop courage in spite of the adversities, be creative and come up with solutions, and always keep love in your heart.
No matter how hard things may seem... life will change again, and it's possible that this detour will lead you to a place that will bring you more happiness and let you reach more satisfying places in your heart and life than you've ever reached before.
And if you need someone to lean on... give me a call.
-Donna Levine-Small

The day that you start believing love is overrated is the day you're wrong.

"To all those lost souls who forgot to believe in the immensity of love". 

Hard truths.

"Had she come home to see you guys, I probably would've gone to Mexico." 

Holy shit, what a truth. 

I always forgive others but I struggle to forgive myself.

Strength.

It's just so difficult.

I took two days off. I probably shouldn't have but I had to. I needed the break. Four full, consecutive days off.
I feel like I have to be strong all the time. I feel like a fraud when I walk into my classroom with a big smile on my face pretending that I'm happy and strong and that I make good choices. And I know I treat people with dignity and respect, most of the time. I know that I work hard and I give myself to others unconditionally. I love unconditionally. And I promote that type of kindness because I do believe in it.
But I feel like a failure right now, a fraud because I am going through something that is so earth-shattering to me that I don't always know how to cope. There are moments in the day when I have to utilize every ounce of strength in my body to hold back tears. When I have to smile and pretend that my life is going great. I love them, so very dearly I love them. And most days they are the only thing keeping me going because of the sense of normalcy they bring for me. The stability. They have no idea that they are the core of my strength. Their good mornings and smiles and jokes and hugs are the only thing keeping me alive.
I have cried on and off this morning. I've done absolutely zero school work. I was talking to D this morning and he said, hang in there B. And I'm so grateful for him in my life right now. And I know for certain that people come into your life for a reason. And he is here to teach me. He has taught me so much and he reminds me so often about what really matters in life. And I admire him greatly.
In all the moments that I feel like this is the end of my life, I know that it isn't. I know that I will be okay. I know that D is right when he reminds me how much worse things could be. When he reminds me how lucky I am and puts things into perspective. And I know that J is right when he tells me one day I'm going to look back and I will barely remember how terrible this all is. It will just be a distant memory.
I know they are right. I know that I will get through this. I know that I will be stronger and smarter and wiser because of this. And I am so grateful for the people I have supporting me. There are moments where I'm okay. The whole day is okay and I can live through some normalcy. And then I have moments of paralysis. When I honestly cannot fathom how I'm going to get through this. Over and over I think of this quote, "there is a loneliness that exists only in one's mind. The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly". I have no idea how I'm going to get through this. Day after day, I wake up and somehow keep surviving. Somehow I keep going. I'm just afraid one day, I won't have the strength to get out of my bed and keep on going. Or maybe, I'm afraid that I do have the strength to keep going. Perhaps that's the scariest of all. If nothing can defeat me, how many more of these tests will I have to pass.

Morning boost.

I walk in and D's like whoa jeans, you rebel. And I was like my ass looks better in jeans than sweats and he's like your ass always looks good.