every single day.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice.

I read Donald Trump, you're still reading twilight.

It's hard you know, when you want to grow and change but you feel like people are holding you back. 

It's not supposed to be real.

I also went and saw BB today. I had a mental breakdown when I did. It was so real. 

Fear destroys us.

I've been very apprehensive to bring this up but I think I'm ready; mom has cancer again. 

Silly mind, stop thinking.

The wedding was in a lot of ways hard for me. Not simply because of the wedding but because it forced me to accept that my friends are in real life king relationships. Partially that scares me about lg. Partially it scares me because I'm not even remotely close to there. I'm not in a relationship. It's also difficult because there was so many beautiful men there and none of them ever want me. I'm insecure about relationships. And I sometimes wonder if I've held on to number twelve so long because he loves me and I know that he did and I fear that no one else will love me like that. I've never been the girl guys like, I'm extremely insecure about my size and I have never felt "pretty" per se. 

I also know that I am fiercely independent, often to a fault. And I think that scares boys a lot because boys want to be needed, we all do but I was never really good at giving off the "I need you" vibe because I don't know if I really believe I need a man in my life. I would love for one to be there but I find it difficult to believe I won't find happiness without a man. 

It's hard because I love do deeply, so unconditionally but I feel like very few people are like that, especially the unconditional part. I credit and blame my mother for that. She is honestly the best person I know and I hope to one day be half as strong as her, love half as deep as her, and be half as kind as kind as she is. 

Flip a coin.

I've been thinking a lot today about lg. I guess I'm just at yet another crossroads where I don't know if it's worth it and I have to decide if it's worth putting forth more effort and risking getting hurt more, being called a bad friend and the c word or if it's time for me to completely step back. 

You put me through it, I wanna undo it.

You stole my happy, you made me cry. Took the lonely and took me for a ride. 

You really blew it. 

You chose him so I have to choose me.

You know, they say that you shouldn't make someone a priority in your life when you're only an option to them. What do you do when you've made someone a priority for so long that it's a habit, a long standing one. How do you break it? 

That changes everything.

I guess that for so long I've just felt like I'm going forward and LG is stagnant. I feel like I have always put more into our friendship than she has. And for a long time, that was okay because I didn't know any different. Now, there are people in my life that prioritize me, that support me, that would do for me what I would do for them. And I think that changes   everything because I realize how I deserve to be treated. And I've realized there are people out there like me, people that will put as much into our relationship as I will. And as more of these people come in my life, more people have to leave to make room for them. 

It's fearless to walk away from someone who only hurts you?

Is it ever okay to walk away? To "give up" per se on something you've fought for for so long. It's funny you know, I haven't spoke to number twelve in ages and yet I have more trust and more faith in my relationship with him than in my relationship with LG and I spoke to her a few hours ago. 

always.

Once again, being the good person always gets you FUCKED.

Epitome of my life.

"Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go, but rather, learning to start over."
-Nicole Sobon

little moments like that.

Today ZG made a comment about being crazy (I love her, but she is).
I was thinking about it and I kind of had a moment where I almost burst into tears.
I remember one day I apologized to number twelve for being so incredibly crazy. I was upset and overreacting because I just love him so much and he knows exactly how to get my emotions going, he ignites something inside of me.
I remember saying I'm sorry I'm so crazy and his response was,
all the best people are.

And yet another day where tears stream down my face for you.

They say I'll be okay, but I'm not going to ever get over you.

She spent her whole life trying to forget.

She put him out, like the burning end of a midnight cigarette. She broke his heart.

What a life being 21.

I am such a shitshow.

I remember it all too well.

I'm laying in bed after yet another chance to be with another dude on Friday night and I turned him down. I'm glad I did because I don't want that. I'm laying here wide awake when I'm beyond exhausted because of course I have time to think. And what else would I think about other than number twelve. It just kills me that even now if I'm completely honest with everything in my being, it's still him. I cannot explain it, it's just him. 

I will always love you.

I drove by his house on my way home tonight. He got accepted to Texas... I'm proud of him. I would like to speak to him. I'd like to tell him in person what I wrote earlier in my blog about his mistake, our love, and my forgiveness. I just want him to know I'm still me. 

Who will you choose to be?

I really hate when people want to talk about sofaking. Tonight TE was like going on about him and his gf and how they're gonna get married and he's so hot blah blah. And I'm just like can we talk about literally anything else in the world? I just want to say ya they're super happy only he assaulted me and she accused me of lying about getting assaulted. Like I'm really sorry but I don't want to have a chat about them and their life. I want to say that happened but I just wouldn't do that. I can't. That's not who I am. I think that's what bothers me most about it; the fact that following an assault I was accused of making it up. I believe in integrity and I believe in the best of people. That situation was a pretty big test of character. 

I am so unbelievably proud of you.

Sometimes I realize that what I miss the most about number twelve is that he was my best friend. I think that's what the hardest part it. Yes I love him and that's never going to change. But I loved him before I was in  love with him and I think that's what makes it hard.
I spent two days with his sister and she was like you just need to completely keep him out of your life. And I told her that's so much easier said than done. That boy is my very best friend. I trust him more than I trust anybody else. He's the one that I want to tell my day about. When something exciting happens, I want him to know. When I'm sad about something, he's the one I want to cheer me up.
When I found out on Sunday that he was accepted to University of Texas, I just wanted to call him and tell him how excited I am, how proud of him I am.